Did you miss me? No..Oh. lol. I have like totally neglected my blog..shame on me. Since writing is something that I love to do, you'd think I'd dedicate more time to it. Anway, I'm back at it.
I felt like blogging today, mainly just to talk to myself and maybe give myself some encouragement. As I type, I hope that my words serve as some type of comfort to myself. I've been having really good days lately, which I'm very thankful for. But these past two days, I just haven't been able to shake this sucky mood I've been having. One would think that after a week off, which included a few days at the beach that I'd be refreshed and renewed right? Yeah..I know. I've tried sleeping it off & staying to myself after work, but it isn't working. Maybe I'm just having a "moment"..or maybe it's something bigger than that. I've considered going back to journaling and writing with the hope that either of the two may help.
Sometimes I wonder if my "happiness" that I give off is just a cover-up for how I truly feel about my life. I'd like to believe that I'm genuinely happy, but I honestly don't know if I am. I feel like there is a void in my life. Not just because of my son, but something else that I can't quite figure out. Yes, I've been through a lot...but I still think I deserve love and to be happy and things of that nature. I tell myself that when it's "my" time, the things that I know I am deserving of will come to me. I'm sure there are some people who probably wonder why I don't self medicate myself or drink myself into oblivion due to my past. My answer is simple, what would any of that change? Nothing. My past would still be just that. My past. I can't change what has happened thus far. Although I wish I could. Now, do I think of doing those things sometimes? Of course I do. I'd be lying if I said I didn't. But I know that in the end, those are just outlets for me to run to, but they won't solve anything. Eventually when I came down off my high (if I lived through it) I'd feel shittier than I did before.
So far I've learned that life is all about experiences and timing. The experiences are what molds us into being the individuals that we are. Timing doesn't always work in our favor...The other day I was thinking of the phrase, "Two ships passing in the night". I interpret that phrase to mean something like two things that always just miss each other, or are so close but never able to reach each other. This is kinda how I feel about my life lately. I know what I want, and what I'm ready for...but it still doesn't feel with in reach. *sigh*